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Mountains of Salt
I am going,
I am gone
To lead the patrols
into the mountains of salt.
Snaking like the guided blades
Of shears, we are determined
To find our way.
The salt colonies call us
In the voices becoming insistent
When we heard it and lost it;
now we are here to stay.

We watch those in the lands
Of cotton, in the fields of water.
Textile squadrons that will come to fabricate
The foundations, boundaries of concrete
Self-assurance, evidence, explanation,
100% natural with a hand from man-made.
In the bodies of water, I saw a reflection;
Embraced in the stream-flow, it never fades,
Primally simple, but you can't fight the current
The pebbles stay hidden; the friction innate.

We see you moving
and we stand, and we dive
Would that we could
Make this salt-city thrive
One day I'll leave you, no sight in the distance -
Now in this salt we lie,
It gets into our eyes and rubs
And we can only cry.
©2005-2009 ~KrazyJellyBean
:iconkrazyjellybean:

Author's Comments

This was written on 10/1/05; quite early this year. Yet again, I'm leaping randomly between poems as I submit, but hey.

Dedicated to ~HousesOfApollo: As our resident politico, all-round thinker and dedicated activist for a change in the political situation, you deserve this poem dedication, although the poem is far less clear-cut and centred than you. :)

Comments


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:icongiokun:
=( I like, cool KJB

--
If you add "in bed" at the end of each fortune from a fortune cookie, it always make sense...
:icondracanta:
this is beautiful :heart: I loved 'Of cotton, in the fields of water.
Textile squadrons that will come to fabricate', it gave me so many visions of comfortable sweaters :XD:
:iconjahg:
The opening lines bother me, the first seems unnecessary, and the splitting of To lead the patrols and the line that follows it loses me in an unclear reading. A second issue that I have is with the capitalisation; why are some lines that are not the beginning of sentences capitalised, and some not? Everything in poetry is so for a reason, I just don't see the reason here.

The closure to stanza two has the words the current the Pebbles stay hidden, or at least that's the reading of it without the line break. As there's no punctuation there it doesn't make sense. The same is true on lines two and three of the closing stanza, and the closing line to that final stanza is too obvious for words.

There are some wonderful phrases within the piece:

The pebbles stay hidden; the friction innate.

... that on its own is deviously haunting.

The piece as a whole seems rushed to me, which is less than the topic deserves. Just my thoughts, of course.

Regards,

James
:iconcolinmawson:
Of course, sometimes it's best if one can look past the technicalities of a piece and judge it from the images or emotions it invokes. Wrapping a present in really shiny, pretty, neatly folded paper doesn't really add to the present itself.

It seems like you are trying ot help, and it's respectable that you show the same level of critique to all, but egos are fragile, and comments can be swayed one way or the other by just a few words. Be careful to give the piece the respect it deserves, regardless of grammatical errors.
:iconkrazyjellybean:
Er, you're replying to jahg there, am I right?

D'you like the piece? :)

--
Pleasingly deranged.
:iconkrazyjellybean:
Well, thank you for the critiquing.

The capitalisation is erratic because the poem is somewhat erratic, and capitals are used for emphasis here.

--
Pleasingly deranged.
:iconkrazyjellybean:
Thank you. :D

--
Pleasingly deranged.
:iconjahg:
If indeed these remarks are directed to me, then I'll thank you not to be so condescending.

Regards,

James

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April 8, 2005
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